What To Do When You Hesitate To Approach
Here’s another#AskTheNaturals featuring a question from our fan Zsombor who asks:
“When is it too late to approach a girl? By that I mean after you’ve failed to make eye contact or are sitting in front of her for minutes on the subway?”
Excellent question. This harkens back to something that is so common amongst the guys that I coach on workshops. You’ll probably relate to this too, so pay attention.
If you’ve been watching videos or reading about pick up for some time now, you’ve developed an idea in your head about the ‘perfect’ approach, something like:
Make eye contact. Be direct, don't ask for directions to the nearest Starbucks. Then you have to touch, although not creepily, hold tension, but not too much tension, don’t be anxious, but don’t try to NOT be anxious, and if you are anxious make sure that you’re counteracting that with less anxiety. Oh, and get the number.
See, most men in today’s world are working in roles that require this level of detail.
You need to know the in’s and out’s of a system, how something works, how to build something, or fix it.
Perfectionism is ideal in that context, because it eliminates costly errors.
We don’t want engineers building bridges who say “yeah, that will do, let's get lunch”, and then have it fall down 2 months later.
The ‘Approach Window’
Now in Zsombors case, he’s after the perfect ‘approach window’. That sweet spot where she looks at you, and you look at her, and then she smiles, and you smile, and it’s like it was meant to be.
You might be different though. Maybe you wait until nobody is around before you approach, so it’s less embarrassing.
Or you wait for her to take out her headphones…and keep waiting…then realise she’s got no reason to spontaneously take them out so you can talk to her.
Either way, you’re just not approaching at all because you have this MASSIVE list of all these boxes to check off in your head making it so overwhelming to take any action at all.
And that’s ok. A little forgiveness is needed here, because after all you’re learning something new. You’re transitioning from a framework, this perfectionism habit that you’ve relied on for decades into the new unexplored realm of ‘take action and see what happens’.
It's risky, it's scary, and it could all blow up in your face.
Or, something amazing could happen.
Finding Your Moment
So what’s the next step?
In those moments when you’re looking for an opportunity to present itself, you’re actually stuck in your head making excuses.
You’re giving into the thought that you can’t approach her until X happens, and that thought then becomes true. This is a big part of why we teach meditation to our students on workshops, because it helps them to get out of their head and into the present moment.
I’ve taken everything I’ve learned about meditation from over 10 years of study and practice and condensed it into a 6-week online course called the Marshall Meditation Method that’s designed to teach you how to meditate in a practical, no-nonsense way.
The idea is that it’s nice to sit at home on a cushion and achieve a sense of peace, but you actually need it when you’re out and about in the world. Having coached thousands of students in meditation I’ve developed method that enables you to actually apply this state of mindfulness to stressful situations, like say, oh i don’t know, approaching women after you’ve made eye contact! Click here to learn more about the course.
Ultimately, you need to realise that you’re raising the bar too high by trying to get everything perfect. So instead, lower it. Significantly. Even if the new criteria is 'say hello to beautiful girl'. You can’t get any of the other things on the ‘list’ right, if you haven’t even created the opportunity to do those things.