A lot of guys I coach often ask me:
“Why is it when I sleep with a girl she always wants to be my girlfriend soon after?”
“Why do all women just want a relationship as soon as they start sleeping with a guy?”
“How do I encourage a girl to start an open relationship with me?”
“How do I make sure it stays casual?”
Have you asked yourself this? Does this sound familiar?
I’ve realised through my interactions with clients that these are common mindsets. We need to address this and look at why men believe this and what can they do to readjust their mindsets. From what I have witnessed with many guys I coach, more often than not it’s that their own behaviour mimics that of a boyfriend (not a casual lover) therefore confuses the woman that they want a relationship. It’s important to define the relationship and the role you play in her life from the very beginning.
Men, you are creating more problems for yourself and shaping women into roles they don’t want to play. If you don’t want to get a girlfriend then don’t act like her boyfriend! Firstly, lets address this misconception and start by readjusting your beliefs and mindsets into something more positive and truthful.
Change your mindset
Your first mistake is the mindset that all women want relationships. Let go of this dated and incorrect assumption. Realise that women want a range of different relationships, depending on their age, mood time in their life- endless factors. A woman may be looking for a casual fling one month, then meet a guy a year later and desire a relationship with him. There are endless women longing to be seduced by that dashing lover or to have a wild summer fling; be that man that can offer her that experience.
Don’t screen for women looking for relationships
If you find yourself “dodging” being a boyfriend, then you need to know now its because you’re screening for and attracting women who want you to be her boyfriend. Without realising it, you may be unconsciously screening for behaviours and mindsets you don’t want. Starting casual relationship with a lover, but having the negative mindset that “she must want to be my girlfriend” is a really negative way to begin the relationship. Create the role and archetype as her casual lover internally from the very beginning.
Be clear and talk about it
There’s no need to call out your relationship status in the beginning. Being overly honest can be inappropriate. But once its clear you guys are seeing each other for some time, it will be important to discuss where you’re at. If she asks, or if you want to state it, be clear that you see your relationship with her as casual. Saying things like “I really like spending time with you. I’m not looking for an exclusive relationship, but I really enjoy what we have” can help. Ignoring it or lying is not going to help you.
Don’t behave like a boyfriend
How many times have I heard a guy say “I don’t know why my casual lover seems to want to make it more serious” and then I find out he is texting her 4 times a day and spending time with her 3-4 nights a week. Just like a boyfriend. Don’t ACT like her boyfriend if you don’t want to get a girlfriend!! It’s confusing for a woman and misleading.
Lovers and flings behave very differently than men in relationships.
Your behaviour communicates what you want, so start reframing your mindsets and behaviours to that of the casual fling or lover in her life.
Here’s some common “boyfriend” behaviours a guy may exhibit:
- Texting too often (every day is too much!)
- Involving the girl in part of his social circle too often
- Planning for the future
- Dirty weekends away vs Spending 24hrs straight at your place.
Yes, have sexy weekends away with each other every now and then.
However snuggling & videos at each others house every weekend is falling into relationship territory- don’t do anything in a routine.
- Let a girl know separate time is both your own business– you don’t have to explain your whereabouts- it’s not ok to ask or check up on each other.
- Indulging in emotional roleplays that you can’t follow through with. It’s unfair and misleading for the woman.
- When you part ways from each other- don’t start planning for the next time you see each other (like you do in a relationship) simply say “See you soon.”
Play the dashing lover
Internalise this role. Start experimenting with this lifestyle. How is this different that a man in a relationship?
A lover is in a woman’s life irregularly. He’s the guy who she has a wild time with one weekend, but then they don’t see each other all week. He is not in constant contact with her and they don’t know every detail of each other’s lives. He is more likely to send dirty texts than sweet emotionally comforting ones.
Start experimenting with the roles you play in women’s lives and start internalising them so they become part of you. Consistency is vital.
Get into the mindset of playing the dashing lover or the summer fling. Explore these roles and the behaviours and lifestyles associated with them. Taking on these roles allows you to be more honest with yourself and with the women in your life. Your behaviour will be communicating what you really want and be thus in alignment with your mindsets. This way you will begin to screen for and thus seduce women with similar mindsets who are looking for the same type of casual relationships that you are.